How did things get so bad?
by BVonSparkle
Summary: Castiel reflects on how things had become so bad, as he watchs the angels fall from heaven. Oneshot.


Castiel was an Angel of the Lord, he was very proud of who he was. Listening to orders without a question or a doubt. He was very dutiful, he loved his brothers and sisters and would do anything to help them. That's until he met them, the Winchester brothers along with their friends. These hunters had changed the course of Castiel's life, how he got where he was, was because he allowed humans to change him. For the better? He wasn't sure.

He raised Dean Winchester out of hell, had gripped him and brought him back. He fought to get to him with the others. The man was stuck in hell for forty years, only four months earth time, and sadly he was the reason the apocalypse had began. Dean broke the first seal. Castiel watched over Dean, and watched over his younger brother Sam. He was given the task to be their gaurdians, to make sure no harm came to them. There was something odd about Sam, the Angels didn't know what at the time. That's when they caught Sam with a demon by the name of Ruby and they knew. Sam was drinking Demon Blood, not a good sign. Castiel hated the fact he was the one who had to tell Dean.

Castiel would only appear to Dean at first, trying to make him understand that everything they did, they did for them. For the human race, they tried to stop Lucifer from rising and creating hell on earth. Castiel firmly believed that they were doing the right thing, yet Dean, Dean would turn it around and make it sound so _bad._ Why couldn't Dean just see it the way they did? Why couldn't he just believe in God, or in the Angels? Castiel started to feel confused - which wasn't a good thing. Not for Angels at least.

He watched Dean and Sam battle the demons, fail some seals but win some others. It wasn't good enough, but as Castiel watched, he started to question things. He started to wonder, why these two were so adamant about not doing their part. They had recently found out Dean was Michael's vessel, as Sam was Lucifer's, their true vessels. The fight would have to happen right? The brother's fought against each side. Angels and Demons. They wouldn't chose. Castiel didn't understand, yet he watched, more questions than answers would pop up, making the angel uncomfortable.

Castiel grew to care about the Winchesters and their friends, he would listen to the them trying to understand why they weren't following the plan. Why they questioned everything the Angels were doing. Didn't they see it was for them? After a while, what Dean was telling Castiel started to make sense. No one should be held down by destiny or fate - they had the right to chose. Castiel would keep his doubts too himself for if there was one thing an angel never did, was question orders from the higher-ups. Never question anything, always be vigilant and be a good child of god. Wasn't Castiel doing exactly that? He watched his friend fight for his right to do what he wants, his fight against fate and destiny. He decided maybe, just maybe Dean and Sam were right.

That's when they came for him. He never thought he would have to fight his own kind, his friends, his family - they were furious. Somehow they had found out he was having doubts and they wouldn't have that. They told him he was getting to close to those in his charge, to the Winchesters. They also told him that he wasn't their 'pet', or friend. He was to make sure Dean said yes to Michael so they could put an end to all this. Uriel burned it into Castiel's mind that he was better than the humans, that he didn't take orders from them. Castiel didn't _answer_ to humans. Castiel was scared. He wanted to tell Dean, he wanted to tell him what the Angels were doing, but he knew if he did - there would be grave consequences.

Uriel kept a closer watch on Castiel, making sure he didn't step out of line once more. Still Castiel watched as they put the Winchesters through more hell than what he thought his brother Lucifer would do. Once again he tried to explain to Dean that they were doing good, not purposely to destroy the world. Dean wouldn't have it, and Castiel learned the truth. The Angels planned this since their father, God, had disappeared. They started the apocalypse because they were ultimately bored. He decided then to rebel for his friends, and to help them. Dean was right, no one should be forced to do what they didn't want to do. Screw Fate. Scew Destiny. Castiel even went as far as to find his father, which ended up in heartbreak. He rebel against his family, and his friends for two humans who made him see that not everything black and white. He looked at the two brothers like his own kin, and stood by to protect them. Even with all of heaven after him, he did what he could.

These new feelings he felt, were...different. He couldn't quite get his grasp on them, so many mixtures between happy and sad. So many levels, it all confused him so much. Castiel allowed himself to feel, to be more than a drone for the army of heaven, to be more _human_. What he thought was right, turned out to be bad. He felt more like a child than his true age. Dean would scold him as such, but was understanding. This was new to Castiel. He wanted to help the Winchesters as much as he could, but he always seems to make things much worse than he intended.

_"I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, an old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules, and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice."_

After they defeated the angels, and stop apocalypse, Castiel went back into hell, into the cage where his two brothers were fighting - and rescued Sam for Dean - only it wasn't Sam, not really. He may have rescued the body but not his soul. Heaven was in ruins, when he returned. No one understood what to do, they wanted orders, Castiel told them no, they had freedom now. Something he wished he didn't have. There was no one to lead his family right. Raphael was bent on starting the apocalypse once more, and Castiel couldn't let that happen. Castiel thought he could find a way to help them, and he thought he did. With the help of Crowley, the king of hell, they together deceived everyone to find purgatory.

Crowley convinced Castiel that what he was doing was going to fix everything with heaven and hell. Set things right again, and he believed the Demon. It wasn't like he could go and ask Dean, Dean was living a normal life, a life he could never have. Crowley wasn't like everyone else, Castiel thought. Crowley was smart and was willing to stop Raphael from starting another war on earth. Castiel kept his plans a secret only coming when absolutely needed by the Winchesters, he kept his distance from Dean and Sam, he didn't want them to know about how bad the war was in Heaven. They just needed to know the basics, he convinced himself. Yet he felt shame, he felt like a child constantly lying to their parents. Why should he feel this way? He was doing what was right for his people, for his family, and for his friends. Yet he didn't tell the two people who trusted him the most, and who he trusted.

It upset him more than he cared to admit once Dean found out. The way Dean looked at him, Castiel could see it in his eyes the betrayal he felt, the hurt and the anger. He said they were family, that he considered Castiel his brother, it broke the Angel's heart to hear how he lost Dean's trust. But Castiel being the fool he was, stayed stubborn. He was going to fix heaven without help from the Winchesters, he had too. It was his fault anyways. Crowley and him were doing well. Were getting closer with each passing day. The only part was Castiel couldn't help but still feel like the Winchester's guardian, as much as Dean protested - he still came to help. He tried, he really did try to make Dean understand why he was doing this, why it had to be done. Wondering to himself, why he felt the need to explain everything to a human. Feelings were still odd to Castiel.

_"It's not too late. Dammit Cas, we can fix this!"_

_"Dean, it's not broken!"_

Then Dick happened, the leviathan's happened. Castiel didn't remember much from when he took all those souls into his body - he does remember feeling powerful and almost godlike. He didn't feel upset when he killed most of his family, he felt like a god. A new god, but everything false comes to an end. Castiel tried to convince himself that he was doing good, that he could be a better leader than his father - only to be proven wrong. The Leviathan's had a different agenda, and when Castiel tried to fix his biggest mistake all went so wrong. Castiel gave back the souls he took, he thought it was all over, but they were still there. The Leviathan's, the creatures that God forced to live in purgatory in the darkest of places. He remembers nothing.

His memories came back when helping Dean accidentally found him and persuaded him to try to fix Sam, he knew it was his fault Sam was losing his mind listening to Lucifer. He wasn't sure how he came back. Dean defended Castiel with everything he got, which just made the angel angry. After everything he did? Why was Dean still trying to convince Castiel he was a good person - when everything else said otherwise. Castiel didn't know how to fix Sam, not without taking it all upon himself - it was the look on Dean's face that decided his fate. He knew his mind would crack and he wouldn't be the same but he had to do something. After everything he had done, after everything he destroied, he needed to make an amends. He woke up with the demon Meg sitting beside him, it was like Castiel's brain went to child mode, to help deal with the mental break he was having. He wasn't the same. He knew he wasn't, he watched the frustration across Dean's face.

When they finally killed Dick, he remembers a light. A bright light, and Dean yelling. Then blackness. Coming too, Castiel knew instantly where he was. Purgatory. The growls and cries of all the demons, vampires, and other creatures that died or hunters have killed surrounded him. It was the Leviathan's that made him run. He found Dean, wanting nothing to help him, but couldn't. The Leviathan's would stop at nothing to destroy Castiel, and Dean would be in bigger danger with the angel than without. So he left. He didn't want too, but he did. He, once again, thought he was doing Dean a favour, by staying as far away as he could from him to protect him. What he wasn't expecting was Dean to find him. Castiel was so happy to see Dean alive, relief washed over him as Dean hugged him.

_"I'm not leaving without you"_

Castiel's heart clenched when Dean was adimant about not leaving him behind. The angel wanted to stay behind, to do repentance for his crimes, to find himself again. He wanted forgivness from his people, and from Dean but he wasn't ready to face the world again. He needed to forgive himself first - which was going to take a long time he knew. Castiel followed Dean through purgatory - trying to find the right time to tell him he's staying, the chance never really came. There was a gap in purgatory for humans to find their way back to earth, and this was where Dean was heading. It was then Castiel let go of Dean's hand and refused to go with him. The pain in Dean's eyes haunted Castiel while he continued to stay, he also knew Dean would never forgive himself and blame himself for not helping Castiel. Whenever Castiel got back he would make sure Dean understood.

Castiel didn't understand, he was back, back to life, back to earth yet he couldn't remember why? Why did he come back? Who would do this? After everything the angel did in the past few years how could he still be alive? He didn't question it much, but searched for the Winchesters to see if they were okay. Castiel saw in Dean's eyes, he blamed himself for leaving Castiel, he was angry with himself but he made him remember. Really remember what happened, it wasn't Dean's fault, Castiel _chose_ to stay. It was then he chose that he would do what he could to help other's, not returning to heaven. He couldn't face that, not yet. He couldn't face his family, not after everything. Yet again, Castiel was convinced he was doing the right thing, he was convinced he could fix his family. After being manipulated into almost killing Dean by his people, Castiel stopped and ran. Ran with the tablet of the Angels - he was not going to make the same mistake and let it fall it the wrong hands - which it did anyways. Crowley was too smart of Castiel's liking. Once more he screwed up.

Metatron told Castiel he could fix it, and Castiel believed it. While Sam and Dean were off trying to close Hell, Castiel was off to save his family not realizing once more - he was being manipulated. He heard Naomi's words but didn't believe her. She warned him, she _told_ him it was a spell to cast Angels from heaven. Why should he listen? She used him. Dean listened and believed, especially after she told him about Sam dying when he finished the last task to close hell. Once again Castiel didn't listen, and once again he screwed up.

He watched the sky, his heart-broken. He watched thousands of falling stars come to earth, he watched his brother's and sister's be cast out of heaven. He felt the emptiness of not having his grace. He felt sad knowing that heaven was closed to the angels. How did it come this far? How did he went from a obeidant child of God, to a mortal human watching the Angels fall. Castiel should have listened, should have listened to the one who he rebel for. He should have known better and yet he felt like a foolish child. Now fully human, Castiel watched in horror, and sadness. How could he fix this? It was his fault yet again, but he knew this time. This time he would _listen_ to Dean and Sam. He was going to do what they wanted, help them. Not be used. Help his sister's and brother's, help the humans. He needed to do something. Thinking back to long ago, after Michael and Lucifer were sent into the cage. The same thought ran through his mind - the same one he thought while thinking of his choices, after the angels asked what God wanted, while he was helping Crowley find purgatory.

_"If I knew then what I know now, I might have said, "It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."_


End file.
